For my beautiful wife...
My love, we had a rough weekend last weekend because I was reminded of what I once had and what I lost. It was an unexpected reminder and it caught me off guard. And once again, I grieved for what had been and will be no more. That has nothing to do with the love I feel for you. It lessens that love none the less and in fact, that you comforted me while I grieved, even though my grieving caused you pain, makes me love you all the more. It showed me once again just how compassionate and unselfish you are. It showed me once again just how unconditionally you love me. And it reminded me once again just how lucky I am to have you at my side. As my wife. Forever and a day.
I wish I could promise you that I will never grieve for that loss again. But I can't do that. At one point, I said I was not going to tell you why I was upset because knowing why hurt you. But that won't work either because we did promise to be honest with each other. And like me, if you don't know what's wrong, you assume that it's something you have done. And you, my love, have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing that makes me regreat for even once second the day I first allowed myself to admit that I loved you. I don't regret one moment of the time we have had together. I wish that some of those times had not cause you so much pain, but then I have to remember that what we have gone through in the past has brought us to where we are in the preset. If I were to change one second of that, I might not have you beside me today. And that is something I wouldn't risk for anything.
I can tell you that after this weekend, I do feel a sense of closure. As if the door to that part of my life was open just enough to let me peak through every once in a while. And now it is closed. While a small part of me wishes it were still open, the bigger part of me is relieved it is closed. Now I can focus all of my attention on OUR life together and finally let go of all those hopes that refused to die despite the fact that I KNOW that the past is gone and nothing I can do will get it back. Despite knowing that even if I had the chance to get it back, I would not do so. I would not risk losing the love we have for anything. I have never felt the unconditional love that I feel from you. I have never known such inner peace just from the knowledge that I am loved. I have never felt so free to be who I am and know that no matter who that is, you will still love me. You will still be at my side.
I don't know how to put your fears to rest that someday I'm going to regret having "just" you in my life. I don't know how to show you that I did not "settle" for you because I could not have what I wanted at first. I don't know how to help you understand that even though I grieved for the loss in my life, I am still perfectly happy and content loving only you. I don't know how to make you see that you are NOT my "second choice", some sort of consolation because I lost my first choice. Yes, I met you second, but that does NOT put you second in my heart. I once said that I could not choose. But at the time, I thought all other things were "equal". And if they were "equal", I probably could not choose. But they were not. You have loved me like no other has loved me before. I thought that I was loved unconditionally, but I was not. Not until you loved me. Not until YOU showed me what it was like to be truly loved unconditionally. And given that, I now DO choose. I choose you. And only you. I have no desire to go back to what was before. I have no need to go back to what was before. But like all losses, I do grieve for it. For the loss of what might have been. As with all grieving, it will end someday. I don't know when that day will be. I wish I could tell you it had already come and gone. But to do so would not be honest with you.
I can tell you that I want only you in my life for the rest of my life. That I want to grow old with YOU and only you. That I want YOU at my side through the good times and the bad. That when I am hurt, I want YOU to comfort me. That when I go to sleep at night, I want YOU at my side. That when I wake up in the morning, it is YOUR face that brings the first smile of the day to my lips.
I don't know if this page will help or not. I hope so. I hate knowing that there is any fear that someday I will wish I had done things differently. That I will regret the course my life has taken and wish I had chosen differently. That day, I CAN promise you, will never come. I love you, my beautiful willow lady. Forever and a day.